Mudbarn Weblog

I woke up this morning to a vivid phosphene display behind my eyes. It’s the same display I’ve seen since childhood, but I paid more attention to the flashes of transparent purple that moved across the regular brown field of attached hexagons and the localized white pulsing blobs. Then I remembered a Terence McKenna talk I heard, when he said, ” If we could bring it back, somehow, it would change the world.” So I decided to make a mental note of some of the highlights of the visual experience for later review, and perhaps some day I will even attempt to share my phosphenes with the world in a visual form. First things first: I have to learn to use art tools.

you have sent me from you.

I’ve sat up all night wracking my brain trying to recall anything my brother has done that would be a good thing in his life. All I can come up with is that he was always in trouble and very angry. Up until the recent years he was my favorite brother.. he always made me laugh. he would let me cry on his shoulder and always wanted to protect me. But then he started getting into trouble. but even in Jail he said he would protect his “little sister” against anyone that would harm me. I guess that would be a good thing because it showed he did care. Though I can laugh about the stunts he pulled that got him in jail or prison the point is he never learned and was being rather stupid about trying to find the “fast path” to success which was not so fast as he thought. He was a genius in a lot of ways. he was very smart but all I can think is that his anger and such overrode his mind. But I’m not here to try to figure out what made him tick. I’m here trying to decide the way my life is heading if that is the way I want to be remembered. Is there something in my life that i’ve done that was a good thing and have I continued to be a good person and such? I don’t think so. So today starts a brand new day for my life and I am going to make the best of it as I possibly can. maybe i’ll find my little area that fits me to a tee and will have a strong ripple effect through out time. I’ve always believed that there was something “special” I was always meant to do but to this point i’ve not found out what it was. My long term goal is to figure that out. Short term goal is to get myself back in shape and start taking better care of myself again. I’m overdue in that respect and I feel it is time I started again to look ahead and decide where I want to be in 5 10 20 years from now. I think I want to be known for doing something really Special and succeeding in all the things i’ve attempted from this point on. instead of a “couch potatoe” who never finished anything. One thing I can say is my brother’s death has made me feel like i’ve been set free from some horrible pit of despair and now i’ve got the rest of my life to make up for the things i’ve done that I don’t care for and want to make right. who knows maybe i’ll discover the cure for the common cold or a cure for migrains. that would be good but what ever I do end up working on I will be successful at it.. just have to figure what that will be..

Cheers to my brother for finally setting me free

How do I explain the need I feel inside of me to give of myself to help a child who needs the special attention only a mother can give? How do I let you know that all my life i’ve tried to find what I would be really good at and enjoy and because of work and such I messed up on the chance I had with my own children. To be able to Prove that I am a good Mother and can take care and help nurture a baby is all that I wish. whether it be for a couple days a week, month or year. I Know this would be temporary but it is a way I can give back for the help that I had received at times.. Who knows maybe I wont be able to. I’ve still not found out if I can or not but the point is I want to at least try to do this. I want to be able to help out in the small way that I am capable of doing. To bring back meaning in my life and to realize that I am a good mother and can help pass on some love and attention I should have stayed home to give my own children. I understand you don’t want any children but I’m not asking you to take care of a child, I will be doing that. all I am asking is that you can support me in trying to do this. if it doesn’t work out then I can say that I tried having a child here in the home will change things some for us but not how much I love you. believe me I wont neglect you for a child my love. I don’t know if that is what your worried about. I just want this opportunity to show to myself that I can do this and to be able to bring some hope to a childs eyes when things are not going the way they should with their family. I’m not asking to adopt a child far from it. I just want to take care of children ages from newborn to 4 years old. I wouldn’t want any older. I can’t donate my time to helping some other organization because that will prove nothing to me about my ability to be a mother. maybe some day I will do that but for now I want to hold a baby play with babies and take care of them. and in doing so I can guarentee that I wont be playing EQ anymore because I wont have time between spending time with the man I love and taking care of a child who needs our support temporarily. Please think about it. I love you very much and I really want to do this with all my heart. i’ve thought about this for a long time which is why i’ve not played EQ in the last 3 days by the way. I want to feel like i’m successful with something i’ve always wanted to do since I was a little girl and at the moment I don’t feel like I have been. also on the upside I know it isn’t much but the state does pay for taking care of children. I think it is around 6 or 800 a month which would be a big help with our bills atm. and who knows I might find something durring the time of taking care of a child that I could make money at. it will be very theraputic for me. I hope you will think about this and understand that being a foster parent is not a perminant placement for any child it is only temporary and I will limit it to one child at a time. I hope you don’t deny me of this because it makes me very sad that you wont support me with this venture and it is something I can do. only other alternative is for me to get a liscense to be a daycare for babies if unable to be a foster parent but I still need to find out if I can be a foster parent. I’ve not been able to find out yet. Think about it. I love you